- manic spending sprees (they start small and continue to escalate as I come up with things I need to get---usually supplies for trying something new)
- irritable constantly (Sometimes I can't sit at the table with my family because I hate the way my son breathes when he eats)
- writes letters in my head to people I'm mad at (found myself dazed and focused on this for 20 minutes)
- negative and pessismistic most of the time
- swing from mood to mood (around certain people, I am usually chipper, others not so much)
- can be so up I dance and do stupid stuff in front of people
- talk non-stop at times (Will be the center of attention)
- overstimulated easily
- cannot tolerate being around lots of little kids running around or loud kids in a car
- can't make lunch and have a conversation at the same time without having some major anxiety
- will delve into projects and lose the day working on them...but as soon as I master, I move onto something else (after money is spent)
- think my kids and husband would have a better shot at life if I left
- focused on one individual and how she has hurt me (even though my brain knows it's not intentional)
- past times of panic attacks (didn't realize at the time that is what it is called)
- not able to verbalize how I need help, just know that I do and frustrated that nobody is helping
- feel like i just need people to do things for me because I can't do it myself (find me a doctor, make me a list, etc.)
- angry when I'm not met with love and support when I step out on a limb with an idea or thought (usually met with opposition either by my mom or husband)
- did I mention, negative? I think I always know what's best and that I could do it better.
- Cry daily
- Want to tune out what is doing on around me and ignore my daily schedule needs (okay, I know I'm depressed right?)
I was on Prozac for about a year once (it took a friend of mine seeing me in total disarray and unable to help myself for me to be convinced I needed it). I know my hormones are out of whack...but I have been dieting and excercising for about a month and no change in symptoms.
I wonder how much of this is in reaction to living with my bipolar husband and how much of it may be who I am with or without him. We did personality type testing with our counselor a few years back and the results came back nearly identical. The counselor said he'd never seen to people so much alike. This was before the bipolar diagnosis which explained so much more.
Anyway, I feel like a dope today. NO ONE would believe me if I told them any of this. My husband would think that I'm just trying to justify my actions or take the attention from him. My parents would definitely not believe me and chauk it up to "stress." I'm hoping that is what it is. Afterall, I've gone through these symptoms off and on throughout my life....it's just that now I've been experiencing all of them at the same time for about 2 months now...especially in the last 3 weeks. Something needs to change. I can't go on like this.