Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
- manic spending sprees (they start small and continue to escalate as I come up with things I need to get---usually supplies for trying something new)
- irritable constantly (Sometimes I can't sit at the table with my family because I hate the way my son breathes when he eats)
- writes letters in my head to people I'm mad at (found myself dazed and focused on this for 20 minutes)
- negative and pessismistic most of the time
- swing from mood to mood (around certain people, I am usually chipper, others not so much)
- can be so up I dance and do stupid stuff in front of people
- talk non-stop at times (Will be the center of attention)
- overstimulated easily
- cannot tolerate being around lots of little kids running around or loud kids in a car
- can't make lunch and have a conversation at the same time without having some major anxiety
- will delve into projects and lose the day working on them...but as soon as I master, I move onto something else (after money is spent)
- think my kids and husband would have a better shot at life if I left
- focused on one individual and how she has hurt me (even though my brain knows it's not intentional)
- past times of panic attacks (didn't realize at the time that is what it is called)
- not able to verbalize how I need help, just know that I do and frustrated that nobody is helping
- feel like i just need people to do things for me because I can't do it myself (find me a doctor, make me a list, etc.)
- angry when I'm not met with love and support when I step out on a limb with an idea or thought (usually met with opposition either by my mom or husband)
- did I mention, negative? I think I always know what's best and that I could do it better.
- Cry daily
- Want to tune out what is doing on around me and ignore my daily schedule needs (okay, I know I'm depressed right?)
I was on Prozac for about a year once (it took a friend of mine seeing me in total disarray and unable to help myself for me to be convinced I needed it). I know my hormones are out of whack...but I have been dieting and excercising for about a month and no change in symptoms.
I wonder how much of this is in reaction to living with my bipolar husband and how much of it may be who I am with or without him. We did personality type testing with our counselor a few years back and the results came back nearly identical. The counselor said he'd never seen to people so much alike. This was before the bipolar diagnosis which explained so much more.
Anyway, I feel like a dope today. NO ONE would believe me if I told them any of this. My husband would think that I'm just trying to justify my actions or take the attention from him. My parents would definitely not believe me and chauk it up to "stress." I'm hoping that is what it is. Afterall, I've gone through these symptoms off and on throughout my life....it's just that now I've been experiencing all of them at the same time for about 2 months now...especially in the last 3 weeks. Something needs to change. I can't go on like this.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
- Climactic Episode (Him)
- Reconciliation (Both)
- Open Communication (Both)
- Desire to make an effort (Both)
- Depression (Him)
- Resentment & Hopelessness (Her)
- Makes an Effort (Him)
- Pandora's Box-Releases bottled hurt (Her)
- Anger & Depression (Him)
- Depression (Her)
- Depression & Irritability (Him)
- Makes an Effort (Her)
- Climactic Episode (Him)
2. How has it affected me as a person?
I have become insecure because I cannot rely on support from him and feel like I have no one who appreciates me or helps me get through my own tough times.
I worry about his mood and focus on trying to keep peace.
I am resentful and bitter because the reality that life is not what I had hoped it would be.
I am distant and cope by isolating myself from him and the kids (when he is around) in order to just get through the day without confrontation or disappointment.
I have distanced myself from God.
I am afraid to get too attached to any new ideas or activities because of his changing moods towards things.
3. What is the hardest thing I face daily regarding this illness?
When he arrives home from work depressed and knowing the evening will be spent in silence. Wondering if I should talk to him or if he's going to get mad if I ask him the wrong question or if he is just going to reject me by being distant.
4. What do I want to see change right now?
I would like him to make an effort to bring up his thoughts and begin making a plan to deal better with bipolar instead of me pushing him to do it.
5. What do I need in my own life to find happiness?
I need him to communicate with me daily about what he is dealing with even if it is a good day and even if it is a bad day.
When he is feeling good, I need his support with the daily functions of the house and kids.
6. If things stay as they are, where do I see my relationship in the future?
One of us leaving for good and the kids resenting him and becoming very angry as they reach teenager years.
What I am willing to do:
1. I am willing to learn new techniques to help him get well.
2. I understand that bipolar is an illness and I am willing to work with him instead of blaming him.
3. I agree that I need to makes some lifestyle changes in my own lifestyle to help him stay stable (exercise, journaling, routines, social obligations)
4. I am willing to try the techniques in this book for 6 months and if things are not working or he is not ready, I will reevaluate...but I will give it 6 months (until our Anniversary on August 9)
5. I agree to examine my own behavior in regards to the effect I have on his bipolar symptoms.
6. I understand he is ill and not sick on purpose. I will remind myself of this when I am frustrated with his progress.
What I desire us to do together:
1. Work on bipolar disorder together---as a team.
2. Use the techniques in this book even if they don't work immediately.
3. Agree that big changes will take time.
4. Agree to love each other and strive for our relationship to be healthy and whole.
5. Agree that we can't continue as we are if we want our relationship to survive.
6. Figure out how we can help our kids and communicate with them together.