Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Another Woman's Anger

I found this on "Living With the Dragon." I thought, "Why reword what has been so perfectly written as if it were my own words and feelings?" Thank you Kristall for so honestly posting your thoughts. I sat here and cried as I related to every word. EXPRESSING ANGER Let me start out by saying that I have many, MANY issues with anger. I have a hard time expressing it or even admitting that I'm angery most of the time, especialy when my BRAIN tells me I should be more understanding. I have anger, no RAGE at this disease and I find myself holding this anger in. I try to read too much about BP and rationalize my husbands behavior as "not him" but BP. In theory, this sounds good, but in life, it eats me up inside. I HATE when he is suicidal. The fear I have of finding him dead causes me to swallow the real feeling I have about it, RAGE! The fact that he would think of ending his life without even thinking of how I, or his family, or my son would feel. I hate the fact that he gets so selfish when he is very depressed, he closes his eyes to everyone, especialy me. I hate, when he gets so manic, he's psychotic. I hate being afraid of his anger and him not seeing how out of touch he is. I hate when he gives up fighting this disease. When he accepts the fact he will always be misserable and doesn't tell the docs or anyone how bad he feels. He takes it out on those who love him, by being mean and spitefull. It wears me down when he is like this. I resent him for it, but I find it hard to tell him. I HATE when he decides to stop takeing his medicine. There is no reason good enough to excuse this, no matter what they cost or how good he feels. It makes me feel like he is hurting me on purpose, and destroying all the progress he has made against his illness. I HATE when he blames me for his mood, I have no control over how he feels, none at all and have enough issues dealing with this as it is, let alone wen he TELLS he it's my fault. I do HATE this disease, I wish I could tear it from his mind and stomp it, stab it, and rip it to pieces so it would never hurt me or him again. I hate the fact that it's so hard to treat. There are so many medications that just don't work for him, and so many combinations of meds, I'm wondering if they will ever find the right ones. I also hate being the saint, the one who is supposed to be so strong and understanding that I can not hurt, or be emotionaly unavailable to him. I am not perfect, I never claimed to be and I shure don't want to start now, I have a hard enough time trying to pretend I am. I'm shure I'm not the only one who feels this way (at least I hope so). If any of you need to vent, email me and we'll have a Bipolar Hateing Party, ( the diesease, not the people!) lol. Good Luck in your hate of the Dragon, don't let it eat you alive!

8 comments:

  1. I could have wrote this!!! 23 years of exactly this ...it changes little over the years... they seem to cycle more..in and out of the moods...it has been years since you posted this...would love to know how you are doing.

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  2. I read this post and cried, because, as many others have commented, you're living my life. My husband was diagnosed with BP1 & SchizoAffective Disorder about four years ago. In that time he has left me and our daughter twice, then moved back in because I accepted his assurances that everything would change. And it did, both times...for a while.
    Unlike the spouses of some other commenters, my husband is meds-compliant. He exercises, eats well, and tries to get enough sleep. He is a wonderful father and an educated, employed professional with a benefits plan that covers all the meds. We have every advantage in fighting this disease.
    And it's still not enough. His depressions often last seven months. The lithium keeps him from going off-the-scale manic, but it doesn't stop the irritability, rage, or crippling depressions. His psychiatrist says this is as good as it gets, but if that is true, I'm terrified of what happens if it goes downhill. The kind, affectionate, wonderful man I married turns into a coldly angry, silent, seething time bomb who goes weeks or months without saying more than the bare necessities to me, but "turns it on" for our daughter, his colleagues, and casual acquaintances. It's like he expends every bit of energy he has in maintaining some semblance of normal for the rest of the world, leaving nothing for me. I'm always to blame for his sense of isolation, his anger, his depression, because I don't understand his terrible pain. He's right - I don't understand it - but I bear the brunt of it all the time.

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  6. Hello my good people, i want to let you know that there are so many scam in the net, so you have to be careful, with the spell caster you contact okay, My name is Linda Marian from USA I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is still unbelievable to me until now. I had a problem with my husband 4years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, I was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine called sandy told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem, his name is Dr AJACAS. she tell me so much about the Dr that help her, and i all so email Dr AJACAS the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he ask me to do, and he told me that i should not worry my self that it will only take one day for he to cast the spell that will bring he back, Before i knew what was happening my husband look for my number and called me and told me that he was coming back to me in 2days and i was so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy. Thanks to Dr AJACAS for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work sir, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is (ajacastruelovespell@gmail.com) you are the best among all the spell caster online I hope you see my testimonies and also pray for my family too.(ajacastruelovespell@gmail.com)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hello my good people, i want to let you know that there are so many scam in the net, so you have to be careful, with the spell caster you contact okay, My name is Linda Marian from USA I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is still unbelievable to me until now. I had a problem with my husband 4years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, I was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine called sandy told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem, his name is Dr AJACAS. she tell me so much about the Dr that help her, and i all so email Dr AJACAS the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he ask me to do, and he told me that i should not worry my self that it will only take one day for he to cast the spell that will bring he back, Before i knew what was happening my husband look for my number and called me and told me that he was coming back to me in 2days and i was so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy. Thanks to Dr AJACAS for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work sir, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is (ajacastruelovespell@gmail.com) you are the best among all the spell caster online I hope you see my testimonies and also pray for my family too.(ajacastruelovespell@gmail.com).

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hello Everyone,
    I am Mrs Theresa Wallcott Owen, from mexico. My life became devastated when my husband sent me packing, after 17 years that we have been together. I was lost and helpless after trying so many ways to make my husband take me back. One day at work, i was absent minded not knowing that my boss was calling me, so he sat and asked me what its was all about i told him and he smiled and said that it was not a problem. I never understand what he meant by it wasn't a problem getting my husband back, he said he used a spell to get his wife back when she left him for another man and now they are together till date and at first i was shocked hearing such thing from my boss. He gave me an email address of the spell caster who helped him get his wife back, i never believed this would work but i had no choice that to get in contact with the spell caster which i did, and he requested for my information and that of my husband along with our marriage pic. He also told me that i was going to pay the sum of $170 to enable him cast the spell and i sent him the money, but after three days, my mom called my that my husband came pleading that he wants me back, i never believed it because it was just like a dream and i had to rush down to my mothers place and to my greatest surprise, my husband was kneeling before me pleading for forgiveness that he wants me and the kid back home, then i gave Dr. Okirika a called regarding sudden change of my husband and he made it clear to me that my husband will love me till the end of the world, that he will never leave my sight. Now me and my husband is back together again and has started doing pleasant things he hasn't done before, he makes me happy and do what he is suppose to do as a man without nagging. Please if you need help of any kind, kindly contact Dr. Okirika for help and you can reach him via email: okirikaspiritualhindustemple@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete

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