Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Another Woman's Anger
I found this on "Living With the Dragon." I thought, "Why reword what has been so perfectly written as if it were my own words and feelings?" Thank you Kristall for so honestly posting your thoughts. I sat here and cried as I related to every word. EXPRESSING ANGER Let me start out by saying that I have many, MANY issues with anger. I have a hard time expressing it or even admitting that I'm angery most of the time, especialy when my BRAIN tells me I should be more understanding. I have anger, no RAGE at this disease and I find myself holding this anger in. I try to read too much about BP and rationalize my husbands behavior as "not him" but BP. In theory, this sounds good, but in life, it eats me up inside. I HATE when he is suicidal. The fear I have of finding him dead causes me to swallow the real feeling I have about it, RAGE! The fact that he would think of ending his life without even thinking of how I, or his family, or my son would feel. I hate the fact that he gets so selfish when he is very depressed, he closes his eyes to everyone, especialy me. I hate, when he gets so manic, he's psychotic. I hate being afraid of his anger and him not seeing how out of touch he is. I hate when he gives up fighting this disease. When he accepts the fact he will always be misserable and doesn't tell the docs or anyone how bad he feels. He takes it out on those who love him, by being mean and spitefull. It wears me down when he is like this. I resent him for it, but I find it hard to tell him. I HATE when he decides to stop takeing his medicine. There is no reason good enough to excuse this, no matter what they cost or how good he feels. It makes me feel like he is hurting me on purpose, and destroying all the progress he has made against his illness. I HATE when he blames me for his mood, I have no control over how he feels, none at all and have enough issues dealing with this as it is, let alone wen he TELLS he it's my fault. I do HATE this disease, I wish I could tear it from his mind and stomp it, stab it, and rip it to pieces so it would never hurt me or him again. I hate the fact that it's so hard to treat. There are so many medications that just don't work for him, and so many combinations of meds, I'm wondering if they will ever find the right ones. I also hate being the saint, the one who is supposed to be so strong and understanding that I can not hurt, or be emotionaly unavailable to him. I am not perfect, I never claimed to be and I shure don't want to start now, I have a hard enough time trying to pretend I am. I'm shure I'm not the only one who feels this way (at least I hope so). If any of you need to vent, email me and we'll have a Bipolar Hateing Party, ( the diesease, not the people!) lol. Good Luck in your hate of the Dragon, don't let it eat you alive!
Posted by Stacy Orndorff at 1:09 PM