Sunday, February 15, 2009
Today was a good day overall. I spent about an hour with him this morning before I went to church. He chose to stay home. He was very tired this morning even though he went to bed on time and slept quite a bit later than normal. I think he is coming back down from hypomania yesterday. He seems to be leaning toward the depressive side again. I can see it developing in his eyes as usual. I made a big effort today to remain positive and not bring up anything that would cause him anxiety or negativity. We both started doing the "Love Dare" from the movie "Fireproof." I did today's task and bought him something to let him know I was thinking about him. I was disappointed that he didn't do the dare. I'm not so sure I like this book because I will be expecting him to do the tasks and I'll be disappointed when he doesn't and feel more unloved than if I hadn't known. I taught a class all afternoon and he sat at home and read a book and did some picking up around the house. When I got home he wanted to go to the city to get an antenna (stupid digital conversion) and eat supper there. The trip went well although I probably had more anxiety than him throughout the evening. I was just so tense and trying really hard to remain positive. It seemed the more joyous I was, the less he would communicate with me. He is happy to just sit and stare into space. This makes me irritable and want to leave because it is boring and pointless. But I put on a happy face and tried real hard not to complain that our waitress was REALLY slow. Who has bipolar? I read my bipolar books on the way home and it just sent me into a bad place. I am really taking the reality of this disorder hard. When will I stop mourning the death of what I have always hoped for in our relationship? I feel like I have so many needs and it just hurts to look forward into the selfless caretaking life I will have to lead to go through this with my husband. Then frustration set in because here I am pouring my life into figuring out what to do to help him and he is doing nothing other than trying different meds to help himself. The last time he left, the first few days there was a lot of communication and then right back to silence and coping. No plan was ever put in place. Meds were changed, but nothing was done by him to learn how to deal. So here we are again. Cycling. The first day after the climax a lot of communication. Today, none. He says he's willing to talk about whatever I want. BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE MAKING HIM DO THINGS. WHY DOESN'T HE WANT TO DO SOME THINGS FOR HIMSELF??????????? I mean, I am ready to move just to have a support/mentor to get him better or functioning or something. So we return from the city and within 10 minutes I find him in bed, not a word that he is going to bed (which I have asked him to please at least let me know if you are going to bed). Tomorrow starts the work week and time will be limited for talking and making a plan. I am so frustrated. My thought pattern turned to writing him a letter telling him I'm just not able to support him like he needs and making plans to move out. I sit here and cry and cry and cry. Sometimes I think it will take him losing everything to take this more seriously and communicate with me. He needs me to be patient. I'm just having a hard time handling all of this and I don't know if I can stick with someone who won't help himself (other than just meds). I feel like I'm married to someone 20-30 years older than me. There is so much I want to do and I feel so held back. Again, I'm having a REALLY hard time coming to terms with the loss that comes with accepting bipolar disorder. Going to bed at 9pm every night? Tucking the kids in by myself every night? Throwing away all spontaniety in order to stick to a schedule? Never traveling because of his insecurities? Never being able to voice my own struggles because it will cause him anxiety? And on and on and on. To say I am mourning the loss of my husband would be an understatement. It's as if he has died and someone that looks like him moved in and I have no choice but to live with him even though he's not who I chose to marry. About once a month he resembles the man I married....but only for about 1 hour. So here I am being selfish, impatient, and hopeless. I know I am so vulnerable to having an emotional affair. I wish for it sometimes, but thankfully God has protected me from that temptation. I probably sound like a big baby to most of you out there. If you are living with someone that has bipolar, I guess you understand. If you're the one with bipolar, maybe you can read this and realize how much the person who loves you is probably hurting and just wanting you to talk to them.