Sunday, February 15, 2009

Mourning

Today was a good day overall. I spent about an hour with him this morning before I went to church. He chose to stay home. He was very tired this morning even though he went to bed on time and slept quite a bit later than normal. I think he is coming back down from hypomania yesterday. He seems to be leaning toward the depressive side again. I can see it developing in his eyes as usual. I made a big effort today to remain positive and not bring up anything that would cause him anxiety or negativity. We both started doing the "Love Dare" from the movie "Fireproof." I did today's task and bought him something to let him know I was thinking about him. I was disappointed that he didn't do the dare. I'm not so sure I like this book because I will be expecting him to do the tasks and I'll be disappointed when he doesn't and feel more unloved than if I hadn't known. I taught a class all afternoon and he sat at home and read a book and did some picking up around the house. When I got home he wanted to go to the city to get an antenna (stupid digital conversion) and eat supper there. The trip went well although I probably had more anxiety than him throughout the evening. I was just so tense and trying really hard to remain positive. It seemed the more joyous I was, the less he would communicate with me. He is happy to just sit and stare into space. This makes me irritable and want to leave because it is boring and pointless. But I put on a happy face and tried real hard not to complain that our waitress was REALLY slow. Who has bipolar? I read my bipolar books on the way home and it just sent me into a bad place. I am really taking the reality of this disorder hard. When will I stop mourning the death of what I have always hoped for in our relationship? I feel like I have so many needs and it just hurts to look forward into the selfless caretaking life I will have to lead to go through this with my husband. Then frustration set in because here I am pouring my life into figuring out what to do to help him and he is doing nothing other than trying different meds to help himself. The last time he left, the first few days there was a lot of communication and then right back to silence and coping. No plan was ever put in place. Meds were changed, but nothing was done by him to learn how to deal. So here we are again. Cycling. The first day after the climax a lot of communication. Today, none. He says he's willing to talk about whatever I want. BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE MAKING HIM DO THINGS. WHY DOESN'T HE WANT TO DO SOME THINGS FOR HIMSELF??????????? I mean, I am ready to move just to have a support/mentor to get him better or functioning or something. So we return from the city and within 10 minutes I find him in bed, not a word that he is going to bed (which I have asked him to please at least let me know if you are going to bed). Tomorrow starts the work week and time will be limited for talking and making a plan. I am so frustrated. My thought pattern turned to writing him a letter telling him I'm just not able to support him like he needs and making plans to move out. I sit here and cry and cry and cry. Sometimes I think it will take him losing everything to take this more seriously and communicate with me. He needs me to be patient. I'm just having a hard time handling all of this and I don't know if I can stick with someone who won't help himself (other than just meds). I feel like I'm married to someone 20-30 years older than me. There is so much I want to do and I feel so held back. Again, I'm having a REALLY hard time coming to terms with the loss that comes with accepting bipolar disorder. Going to bed at 9pm every night? Tucking the kids in by myself every night? Throwing away all spontaniety in order to stick to a schedule? Never traveling because of his insecurities? Never being able to voice my own struggles because it will cause him anxiety? And on and on and on. To say I am mourning the loss of my husband would be an understatement. It's as if he has died and someone that looks like him moved in and I have no choice but to live with him even though he's not who I chose to marry. About once a month he resembles the man I married....but only for about 1 hour. So here I am being selfish, impatient, and hopeless. I know I am so vulnerable to having an emotional affair. I wish for it sometimes, but thankfully God has protected me from that temptation. I probably sound like a big baby to most of you out there. If you are living with someone that has bipolar, I guess you understand. If you're the one with bipolar, maybe you can read this and realize how much the person who loves you is probably hurting and just wanting you to talk to them.

11 comments:

  1. you do not sound like a big baby to me. i DO understand. the (huge) difference between us is that i don't have the option to ditch my son, you do have that option. is he in therapy?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just stumbled upon your blog via twitter...and ohhhh how I understand! My husband was diagnosed with bipolar last year. And it's been a hell of a time since. I'm feeling a lot of the same things as you, and while I know that I committed to this marriage, it's a challenge every day to keep moving forward when the man I'm married to barely resembles the man I married...I'm all for playing the cards you're dealt, but what about if they change the game after you get your cards?! ugh. Look forward to more posts.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You don't sound like a baby, just someone who cares very much about their spouse. It's nice to read a blog like this to see the other side. Even though I'm bipolar (and have been diagnosed for years), we still struggle with the same issues. Don't feel alone in this. If my husband had a blog, I'm sure it would read exactly as yours does. Trust me, even though us bipolar folks seem out of touch at times, we do realize that people care about us...even if we don't show it. Sometimes it's very hard to KNOW that people care though...it can be lonely on our side, just as it can be lonely on your side. There are times I feel so guilty about not being able to give my husband what he needs in a wife but there are also those days that are so great, I wouldn't trade them for the world.

    I'm rambling...sorry!

    ReplyDelete
  4. are you still here...??? the woman who started this post??/

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have bipolar. My wife found dealing with my depression too much to bear, and left me around 2005. So I started taking full responsibility for my mood disorder and began to work on improving myself mentally and physically. I worked very hard for a year and then approached her, asking if we could get back together. She agreed, and since then things have been wonderful. It "just" (ha-ha) took my taking responsibility for my own well-being.
    Oh, and finding the right medicine cocktail (after 7 years of trying various meds) as well, because my own emotional stability has been a very helpful factor in all of this journey.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You took the words right out of my mouth...this is so incredibly painful. I too feel like the man I married has left and someone who looks like him is here now but this person is cold, heartless and mean. I want to leave and start life on my own w/ my 3 kids only b/c he seems to do SO MUCH better w/o me. I seem to be the main trigger for him. I LONG FOR stability and peace again...there are days I don't think my human frame can take much more. I fear an emotional affair too...I don't want to compromise my relationship w/ God. Oh my...just finding this blog to read and not feel so sheltered is amazing. Thank you. I'm going to keep reading now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. had no idea there were so many out there going through this horrible experience.reading your comment was like looking in the mirror.i have started therapy but mainly to be a better mom and manage my stress.really hoping to God it helps.although it feels like God is looking the other way most of the time it is only my faith in Him and my kids that keeps me from hurting myself.

      Delete
  7. really sorry for your pain but thanks for making me realize i'm not alone in mine.going through the exact same thing.may God help us all.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Reading your post is giving my inner thoughts a voice.i crave for d man i met.the man im with isnt him.i love him non the less but i want the man that laughed.that spoke to me..now i have a man that avoids everything.a man thats always angry.a man that critze my every move..a man that judges me endlessly.and i dnt know if.i want that man..i miss the man i met.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I can relate to your post. I have prayed that God would heal my Husband so many times. He does not take his meds because it is Seraquel, and it makes him so sleepy and sluggish. He does not have insurance, and we are both unemployed. God always takes care of us, but it is difficult. He tries to do his best sometimes, and sometimes it seems he has given up on being kind to our family. Please pray for us. He is in the ministry, and loves leading music. He has wonderful talent, and really enjoys it, except when there is added stress to it such as church members complaining. Thank you so much for your prayer. I will pray for you. Thank you so much for sharing with us.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I can completely relate to your post and it is reassuring to know that other people are going through the same thing we are. My husband took himself to the hospital two days ago and has been admitted. He was just recently diagnosed with bipolar 2, after about 10 years of trying different drugs and thinking it was depression, anxiety, OCD etc etc. He moved out of our family home about 6 months ago and has been trying to make changes, we are trying to reconcile, but there are many times when I don't think he really accepts the diagnosis and life is exactly as you describe it above. Our visit tonight at the hospital was very troubling. He is paranoid and thinks that everyone 'lied' to him because he has been told that he can not check himself out at this point until he is stabilized (he went in suicidal). Anyway, on the drive back home I wondered if I could keep doing this. It is so much giving, never taking, never having someone who can be strong for you. I also am a big believer in dealing with the card you've been dealt, that marriage is forever, but there are many days I wonder if I can do it, or if I even should. God Bless Us All. I pray that we may all find a resolution and happiness someday soon.

    ReplyDelete

PLEASE post comments. Comments affirm me to continue blogging for some reason. Thank you!